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From IAmBrianJames.com

If you’re like me, you’re caught in this waiting room just anticipating the time love will call your name. Take a seat next to me! Beware because I do talk a lot. This purgatory of a place can be daunting for anyone, I’ve been here all but 15 minutes and I’m already frustrated. It only gets worse when you go out on that group date and you’re the third wheel making passionate love to your trusty cellular device, or when you realize that your friends are planning weddings and you’re still texting potential love interests asking them what they like to do on their spare time and what’s their favorite color [Oh Joy]. You’re sitting in cupid’s waiting room watching happy couples and even singles walk in and out of the examination room. You’re just waiting on cupid to call your name.

You have two options with this time, you can file your nails and tweet your life away (i.e wasting time) or you can figure out if you’re really ready to hear your name called. If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering “What is wrong about me? Am I defective?” Well, maybe not as dramatic as me but you get it….

It’s certainly best that we learn to maximize our precious time in this purgatory and figure out if we are ready to hear cupid call our name and if not, how do we get there. While you’re sitting next to me, figured I’d share some tips/lessons I’ve learned as we try and channel this anticipatory energy . Check these 5 out: 

1) Protect Your Mind

Sitting anywhere you don’t want to be for idle time can be damaging to your mind because we are our own worst enemy. A lot of times we create our own problems and then our minds panic and can’t find the proper solution. There are several ways your mind can comprehend to the fact that you are single against your own will. One of the worst ways is to develop what I like to call ‘The Shell [DUN DUN DUN]‘. The Shell is when you are so frustrated with being single against your own will that you block your feelings in. You have love to give and love to show but you turn yourself into a cold hearted “I don’t need love” type of individual. This type of thinking is detrimental to your fate (& those around you) when it comes to love and is probably the surest way to guarantee that you will be in purgatory forever. God could send you the “perfect” mate (Which doesn’t exist) and because you are in your loveless shell, you won’t give them a chance and miss the opportunity to change your life.  It is also in my opinion the weakest way to go about your singleness and is a sure sign of panic – which is never beneficial to a greater good. It’s important that you keep your mind strong enough to know that becoming the world’s bitterest individual is not the best way to handle this situation.

It’s also important  that you protect your mind by staying focused. In this waiting room, you’re so anxious to get up and get your shot at love that you give people pieces of you that they don’t necessarily deserve. You start to date just to date or even worse start to sleep around to try and fill that void; or pass time in the waiting room if you will. You are going to encounter so many people of the opposite sex that come along and distract you from becoming a better you, so you can be someone’s better half. It is salient and paramount that you stay focused on becoming a better person so you can mean the world to someone. Wasting time on “jokers” who don’t deserve your time is senseless. The worst thing you can do is slip into a situationship with someone and then you meet the person of your dreams and you already caught up in another situation.

It’s also important to protect your mind because you are going to poison yourself with thoughts that will tear down your self esteem and confidence. If you’re like me, you start to think that you aren’t good enough. You may even stare into the mirror saying, ‘Well maybe if I did this to my hair? Or maybe if I started dressing like this? Or maybe if I was more attractive?’ all questions that imply that you are losing confidence in yourself. Stop that. You’re tearing down your own house that God built for you, brick by brick. There may be things that you need to straighten out, personality defects or insecurities that need to be ironed out but NEVER think you aren’t attractive enough. Keep your mind strong! Don’t make the problem worse than what it is.

2) Self Examination 

Put that physical mirror down for a second and look into your character mirror. Your (Our) singleness is a call to self examination to determine what characteristics we can sharpen while we wait for our turn at bat. Too often we get upset at our circumstances and find it better that we get frustrated and complain as opposed to really examining and practicing what it takes to be a great mate.For example, I know that I have tendency to focus sternly on my career not paying any attention to anything human, period. That’s not a good trait to have in a relationship and I know that. That is something that I am aware of and am working to correct. Or my minor insecurities because of past infidelities in relationships, little scruples that I know need to be handled before I can expect a successful relationship. If you’re lucky and meet the right one, that person would love to work with you and grown with you, but the self examination is key because you have to be aware of a problem before you can fix something.

So, how does that relate to our current situation in this purgatory? Well, use this time wisely while you are in between relationships. Examine your past relationships, where they went wrong and examine the feedback you have gotten from ex-s . Examine your lifestyle and see if you live a lifestyle that is conducive to a relationship? Examine your past short comings in your relationships and see if they have created insecurities that will drive you and a potential mate crazy. While I’m sitting here, I’m working on figuring out why my relationships don’t last, it’s important that we  don’t waste this time by letting our wounds get the best of us and get in the way of a good relationship, use this time to get yourself together.

3) Think Wants & Needs

A lot of us have this big wish list for what or how we want our mate’s to be. What separates the successful daters (couples) from the unsuccessful ones (singles) is the inability to definitively decipher between the wants and needs in the relationship. Even if you know already (because you’re amazing), the one you were with may not have known what they wanted or needed, creating an unequally yoked union that doesn’t allow a thriving relationship.

Instead of placing blame, let’s just focus on ourselves for now. I encourage you to do as I am doing in this waiting period and that’s making sure I can clearly take notice to the difference between what I want in a relationship and what I need. A blurred line between the two can be detrimental in a relationship. Ask any married couple (10 + years) what is one of the main aspects of their marriage that kept it alive and they will tell you, Compromise. Compromise can only live where selfish wants don’t exist. You have to decide what is significant in a relationship for you, and understand that the rest are just the details. No one is perfect in this world however, golden compatibility between two lovers is based on your ability to understand that needs outweigh wants and that in order to love, you will have to compromise. If you can’t do that, then you can’t love.

While you’re waiting, jot down a few notes as to what are your needs in a relationship. Is it support? Is it spirituality? Is is a prime sense and understanding of the word ‘fun’? Is it a strong family life? What ideologies and characteristics are essential for your lover and your relationship. Write those down so you can sort out your thoughts and see them on paper. Don’t even write down the ‘wants’. Our natural selfish nature won’t let us forget those.

4) Tie Up Loose Ends

Personally I think that one of our main problems (Dating under 30) is that we have so much baggage. Our lives are so complex right now that we drag so much baggage and extra weight into a relationship that make the relationship too heavy to bear. A lot of us are struggling to get our career’s off the ground (me too), getting out of bad relationships, struggling financially, and most importantly a lot of us are still trying to figure who we are and why we are here. All of this creates baggage, some of which is inevitable but nonetheless present. It’s important that you consolidate your baggage into a few small carry ons that way you don’t weigh down the relationship and also, you have room for the baggage that the relationship itself will produce. Use this time to close that chapter on that annoying ex- boyfriend that keeps calling you because he realized he let a good one go or, use this time to focus on figuring out how to add some zeros to your bank account. Figure out the issues you have in life and use this time to address them so that you won’t drag your problems into a relationship. Think about the problems weighing on your mind and then think about solutions.

5) Focus on Your Career

Four was the intro for this simply because of it’s importance, Focusing On Your Career needed a bracket of it’s own. I can’t stress how much of a lose-lose situation you will get yourself into if you squander all of your energy on trying to find a potential mate as opposed to focusing on building a career. Not just showing up to a job but actually building a career, chasing your dream, starting your business, developing yourself into your purpose. So often, we drop the anchor on ourselves out at sea alone because we focus so much energy on finding love that we back peddle or become stagnant in other areas of life including our careers. Now that we are in our 20s, it’s of extreme importance that we chase stability and a strong career base. We don’t want to be professional daters, no, you were designed for so much more than that. Honestly, your career path may lead you to someone, a potential love interest if you will. All of that anticipatory energy can be directed to your career which will take you to heights that you never thought were accomplishable. Find out what you want to do in life and what career you want to pursue and hustle your way to the top. The relationship fiasco will figure itself out.

This relationship generation is tough to thrive in, there are so many mediums and derivatives that divert our attention away from love but don’t give up! Patience is key! To be frank, I know that I have a tendency to rush myself into things and you see where that has gotten me – In purgatory next to you (How awesome!). Patience is key!Keep in mind a relationship takes focus, we have to clear our plate to be truly ready for that aspect of life. Don’t get caught up in the party life or the immature life and miss your opportunity at the love that will change your life. There is someone for you, I promise. Just make sure that you do all you can to be ready when your name is called because whether you are ready or not, it will be called and if you screw it up, you may not get another chance at a great future.

Happy hunting. Here’s some inspiration for you. 

@BrianJamesLive (Twitter) @IAmBrianJames (Instagram)

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