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With all the knowledge women have amassed in the past few decades in academia, it’s amazing how little we know about our own bodies. Some women still get squeamish or uncomfortable when it comes to touching and learning about their own anatomy. But self-touch is a necessary part of  understanding what your pleasure zones are so that you can increase self-knowledge and better inform your partner of your needs. If you don’t know what makes you feel good, how can they?

We caught up with loveologist Wendy Strgar, author of Love That Works: A Guide To Enduring Intimacy, to give us advice on how to become more comfortable with solo-sex.

1. Embrace That There Is No ‘Normal.’ “The first question a lot of women ask when it comes to their own desires is, ‘Am I Normal?,’” Strgar explains. But she urges women to give up the idea that there is a “normal.” “We know there is no normal because of the vast studies done in the 1940s about this idea of ‘normal’ by the Kinsey institute.” Strgar explains that concern with ‘normal’ stops us from really knowing what we like ourselves. “If you table that question and come to a sense of self, you will come to understand that whatever you want to do that does not harm someone else is perfectly fine.” 

2. Do I Have My Own Experience Of Pleasure? Strgar told HB that many women don’t have the language to explore what sexy feels like to them. We confuse sexuality with being sexualized—meaning we see ourselves as sexy when someone else views us as sexy.  “Nobody can make you feel sexy. Only you can decide that you want to go to that sexy place.” she reveals.

 Strgar says women make the mistake of feeling that someone ‘gave them the orgasm’ versus owning our orgasm for ourselves. “We should never give one person so much power over a gift we can give ourselves.” Strgar says fully owning you pleasure takes pressure off your partner, and makes you a powerful presence in bed.

3. Explore Unique Erogenous Zones. Don’t be stingy when it comes to self-love—your whole body deserves attention. Strgar says that women often only explore classic erogenous zones like their clitoris, and labia, but she encourages women to touch their inner thighs, nape of the neck, ear lobes etc. “All of these areas offer different kinds of pleasure to help you understand your own anatomy.”

4. Any Body Part Is Sexier When Slippery. Lube, lube, lube. “Any body part that’s slippery is way sexier than any body part that is dry,” Strgar explained.  Lubrication is also key for women who no longer self lubricate for hormonal reasons. Wendy offers her own line of Good Clean Love lubes that can be purchased here.

RELATED LINKS

5 Health Benefits Of An Orgasm

Advice For Women In A Sexless Marriage

Help! I’m Addicted To My Vibrator

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